Love or Lust? Navigating Emotions and Desires
Navigating the complex emotions of relationships can be sometimes crazy. It's hard to tell whether what we're feeling is love or just desire. In most cases, true love encompasses desire - it always starts that way. Hormones released during sex, such as oxytocin and dopamine, can feel like a deep connection. But how can we be sure it's not just desire and won't lead to unhappiness in the long run? L'Officiel Austria Editor Sara Douedari weighs in.
A therapist once told me if a man makes you feel like ripping your clothes off during the first meeting, run in the opposite direction! Wait, what? Isn't that exactly what we want in a loving relationship? Yes and no. We don't need that feeling of lust right away, it's actually more fulfilling to build it up.
I laughed and agreed, as at that moment I was primarily choosing men based on my attraction to them and unconsciously letting my brain paint green flags over the subtle and not-so-subtle red flags. But the idea of running away because I immediately feel a wild attraction to someone made me sad too! I wanted to be incredibly attracted to the partner I was seeking and feel crazy, head-over-heels in love. Is that too much to ask for?
For all fans of Netflix's "Sex/Life":
Can't we have both, the passion of a relationship with a "bad boy" and the security and deep connection of a relationship with a reliable partner?
The good news from my therapist is: no and no!
The truth is, it's hard in the dating beginning stage to distinguish between lust and love as it takes time to really get to know a person. Not just a few weeks, not even really six months. It takes a while. That's why it's important to give the other person a chance to show and unfold themselves if we feel they deserve it.
Sure, we all know the couple that had sex on their first date and are now happily married, but who can say whether it was lust or love, lust before love or both at the same time - at the beginning?
If we're honest with ourselves: it's about calming the heart and hormones when both immediately want to act out of automatic desire to do what we want - welcome him, our object of desire, on all levels! And especially crossing our fingers that he stays.
My therapist put it so wisely: "Take the time to think about whether you're really ready for a relationship with someone instead of being led by impulsive feelings." Well, I guess he's just right. So if the "sleep with him and see what happens" tactic hasn't worked out in the past, we may need to reconsider.
The moment counts vs. future together
To make sure a relationship is based on love and not just physical attraction, further steps need to be taken, which I'd like to share with you:
Observe your feelings without acting on them. It's like a craving for sugar that you don't satisfy. You feel the desire, don't fulfill it, and go through the discomfort of not doing it. You may want to undress him and also want him to undress you, BUT don't let that happen. You are in control of your sexual impulses.
Instead...
Let him pursue you, come to you! For example, ask him on a proper date with at least three days' notice. And then a second date. And maybe even a third. I also don't object if YOU ask him, if you really feel confident and comfortable doing so. If he's interested, he'll say "yes sure," make plans with you, and follow through.
Observe if he asks questions about you. Does he show a genuine interest in who you are? What you do for a living? Is he interested in hearing about the people in your life who are important to you and why?
Silence is silver vs. talking is gold
Ask him what he is looking for, even if it feels uncomfortable! The fear in us that he will understand it as a commitment question is usually completely unfounded. After all, it is about getting to know each other. If he is interested in more than just "fun", he won't be upset. Also, there is nothing wrong with a self-confident woman knowing what she is looking for and not wasting time. This does not mean asking him about it on the first date, but within the first few dates you should find out if he is interested in expanding the palpable attraction to "more".
The three types of attraction: Sympathy, Love, and Lust
Check if you are compatible. And be honest with yourself! You may feel a strong attraction, but your lifestyles or values may still differ. I remember dating someone I was very attracted to, but we didn't share similar ideas about life, which showed in small situations and decisions. It was just the physical attraction and the shared fun that brought us together - but not to the next level. I was disappointed when it didn't work out, even though he was obviously not right for me from the beginning.
Of course, nothing and no one can guarantee that physical connection will lead to true, lifelong love. Self-reflection, however, can prevent us from seeing something in someone that isn't there. Conversely, intellectual compatibility does not guarantee a fulfilling experience with the chosen one.
But more on that later.
Born and raised in Berlin. She studied media sciences and marketing, lived in Paris for many years and works as a freelance writer. As a passionate storyteller she enjoys meeting inspiring personalities, artists and visionaries.
