The DOS and DONT'S of Dating

I once read a quote that I often think about: 'Love means giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to.' Honestly, even typing that feels heavy in my heart. Maybe it's fear or lack of trust (probably both) or maybe I'm just not open enough (I'm working on it - thank you). To be honest here, I'm still single. So if you're reading this and thinking, 'What is she talking about?', please ignore it immediately. But if you find solace in the following advice, take it. As they say, 'take what you need, and leave the rest' (a generally useful life lesson).

But back to Dating:

Practice makes perfect - and if we believe this saying, then I should have turned into a gold medalist. Not because I love dating - I actually don't like it at all - but because I've had enough dates to know what works and what doesn't.

That doesn't mean that if you follow these dos and don'ts, you'll immediately find your life partner. Well, at least dating will feel less like a job interview. Who likes interviews on the first date anyway?

Here we go:

THE DOS

Speak to him before the actual date.

And by 'speak,' I mean on the phone (old-fashioned, I know). Here are a few reasons why:

1. You'll hear his voice, and if you're like me, the 'wrong' voice can quickly become a dealbreaker. What if he whispers? Or pronounces your name in a bizarre way?

2. You'll get a sense of his interpersonal vibes. Does he listen? Does he ask questions? Does he keep the conversation flowing? Or is he the type to leave awkward silences, filled with heavy breathing? (Don't laugh, it's happened to me, and all I could think was, 'That's what he'll sound like when he has sex.' I pretended to be sick and cancelled the date - #sorrynotsorry.) Does he only talk about himself? Does he interrupt you?

3. You'll get a sense of what he's actually talking about, which can be an immediate red flag - or a welcome sigh of relief. If he's talking about how his ex-girlfriend stole all his money and dignity, he might need a good therapist, not a girlfriend. But if he's talking about shared interests - a great movie you both enjoy, a book he's reading (he reads?!), a podcast he recommends - you'll likely get along with each other painlessly. At the very least, you'll have a decent conversation, and that connection is already half the battle.

Drive yourself to a first date.

This should actually go without saying, but if you've never met before, don't give him your address. There are crazies out there. Don't become a statistic. Plus, the ride home can be super uncomfortable if he wants a goodnight kiss and you're not into it. Why make things harder for yourself? And if he doesn't pick you up, it's so much easier to escape a bad date.

Go on a date if someone sets you up - or at least be open to it.

If he presents red flags or non-negotiable things, don't waste your time, but if you believe that the universe is giving you what you want the most, you have to make the effort, even if it's just to show the universe that you're serious. Do you still feel indifferent to the D-word (dating, of course)? Pretend that it doesn't matter to you.

Go online. You're not too good for it.

That's your ego talking. Everyone is doing it, which means you're more likely to meet a man/woman online than in real life. Dating is a numbers game: the more dates you have, the more likely you are to find someone who deserves a second chance (and maybe even a relationship?!).

Let go of everything - the baggage of past bad dates, failed relationships, fear - let it go.

Negativity breeds negativity. Be the most positive, optimistic version of yourself, despite the difficulties in past relationships. I won't lie, this is easier said than done, and something I am still working on. It's so much easier to say, "Every date I go on is bad and a massive waste of my precious time, so I'm never going on a date again." But that mindset is really my defense mechanism kicking into turbo mode. If I seriously want to find a partner, how can I expect that to happen if I'm not putting myself out there? As much as I wish [name of hot actor/actress in your current TV show] would jump out of my screen and hop into bed with me... that's never going to happen.

THE DON'TS

Do NOT present yourself as years younger (or thinner) on your online dating profile photos or use photos from a decade ago.

Think about it: You actually want to meet the guy in real life, so sooner or later he'll find out what you look like, and it will probably be pretty awkward to have pretended to be something you're not.

I had a first date with a man I met on Bumble, and on his profile, he had dark hair and a six-pack. When I met him in person, he had full gray hair and was about 10 kilograms heavier. By the way, I have nothing against gray hair - I'm thinking of George Clooney - and I wouldn't have cared if he had portrayed himself accurately on his profile. But to be blinded like that? No. The same goes for us women. The prom photo is no longer enough. You're older - and wiser - accept it! Building a relationship on lies? Good luck with that.

Don't make dinner dates.

Are you a masochist? Or why did you agree to a dinner invitation with a man you've never met before? That's at least an hour and a half of your life that you're giving to someone completely unknown. A coffee or drink allows just enough time to find out if you even get along. If you do, you can simply extend the meeting to a dinner. If not, you don't have to invent a lie and pretend that your cat ran away and you have to leave quickly. The date is done with a drink, and you'll only lose 30 minutes of your life overall. That's just one episode of your Netflix favorite series - you can live with that.

Do not schedule dates during the day unless you are 100% certain about the lighting situation.

This may sound ridiculous (and it probably is), but we already have enough anxiety about first dates without also driving ourselves crazy about lighting. Daylight doesn't discriminate: the reality is that daylight is harsh for 90% of people over the age of 23.

A male friend told me that he meets beautiful women on Tinder, but when he goes out with them, they don't look anything like their retouched profile pictures. So he started strategically scheduling daytime dates to see how they look in natural light (rude, I know - by the way, he's not my friend anymore). His comments ranged from "She wears too much makeup" to "She has a mustache." This somehow ties back to the first point - such a drastic change in your appearance that he doesn't even recognize you. So if you can't accept and show your insecurities and who you really are, why should he? Also, note that lighting is everything - so choose a place with the right lighting that makes you look your best, even in the evening.

On a first date, you shouldn't talk excessively.

He doesn't need to know your entire life story, including your high school theater role as the chubby fairy or the failed threesome you had in college. Save that for your therapist. When it comes to dating - especially on a first date - less is more. And let him talk too. Ask him questions, listen, show interest and empathy. I understand that dating is nerve-wracking and nervousness can lead to uncontrollable talking. But it's a great life lesson. As the Dalai Lama aptly said, "When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new." BOOM.