How we can grow old happily together: Interview with therapist Jan Wandel

Individual psychological counselor Jan Wandel (MeinWandel) explains to us how couples can resolve typical conflicts in long-term relationships, develop a shared perspective for the future, and lay the foundation for a happy continuation of their relationship.

Is there such a thing as relationship skills? Can we categorize people as being capable or incapable of having a relationship?

Jan Wandel: "The extent to which a person is capable of social interaction is shown by how they behave in a relationship. Even a psychopath would be considered "normal" as long as they live alone in the forest, have no contact with other people, and do not feel any needs that should be satisfied by others. They can be as they are as long as they don't endanger anyone. There is no social norm that evaluates them. This means that we only get into the unfortunate situation of being relationship-capable or incapable due to our own and others' expectations. Generally speaking, all people have consciously or unconsciously agreed to a relationship rule: it should not be toxic. If we take this definition, then a relationship-capable person would be someone who does not exploit others for their own purposes. But that happens faster than one thinks."

Can relationships only last long-term among compatible people?

Jan Wandel: "By the definition above: yes and no. It depends on what we expect from a relationship. I can have an altruistic relationship (where no one exploits the other) and be satisfied until the end of life, but also a toxic one, where exploitation is part of the rules. An example: a taker has a relationship with a giver. The taker feels good as long as they receive, and the giver feels important as long as they give."

In the dating world, impulsive behavior prevails and tips such as 'If you want to be valued, make yourself scarce' are widespread. To what extent does this affect the ability to form relationships?

Jan Wandel: "It's called a disturbance when someone puts more effort into being loved than if they did nothing at all. It seems completely normal through capitalism, society, and our social conditioning to earn love. A baby is loved unconditionally, no matter if it is strong, beautiful, smart, successful, adjusted, nice, sexy or funny. We can no longer imagine this and invent rules such as 'if you want to be valued, make yourself scarce'. But a baby didn't have to make itself scarce either, it just had to exist. So the question is not how rare you make yourself, the question is how long can you manage to stay true to yourself and work on yourself until you find the right person without giving into the temptation to manipulate your value that has existed since birth."

What happens when we see through the patterns of our partner?

Jan Wandel: "Often, our partners no longer fit us and we have to reorient ourselves. Patterns feel like they are determined by someone else and that makes us unhappy. Nevertheless, many people prefer to stay in them and complain about their partner. It seems easier to repress patterns instead of separating and reinventing oneself. If we saw relationships as an opportunity for growth and didn't romanticize them, we would have a different perspective on life."

The internet taps into desires. Does social media greatly affect relationship ability?

Jan Wandel: "Not only does the internet spread false ideas of beauty and wealth with perfect posts, but so does the entire pop culture. Love songs, movies and novels continue to carry the message into the world that one is not fulfilled without external influences. Or that one should only think of oneself to be happy. But giving brings happiness, not taking."

Can you love the same person forever?

Jan von MeinWandel: "Animals can. Some species stay together for life. We can too, but we need a high level of self-awareness. If you know who you really are, what you want from life, and what you are willing to give, you have all the prerequisites for an eternal partnership as long as the other person is also on this level."